Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize