really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Randomize
