she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
