my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
