Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
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