my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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