I have demons in me.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
