When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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