I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
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