My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
