Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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