I faked an abortion last night.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
