...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
