last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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