You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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