I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
