I could make wine with my vomit
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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