gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
