I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Success! We fucked roommates!
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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