spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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