last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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