he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Randomize
