Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
