Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
