dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
