They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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