I think my fart just growled at me.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
