This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
