I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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