Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
