If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
foreskin is a definite game changer
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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