there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
So gin and wine won't be happening again
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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