I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
