this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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