The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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