I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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