so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
