just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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