between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
