Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
