i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Randomize
