The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
