Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
