I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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