she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I have already put on my inside pants.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
