You were right. It hurts to walk today.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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