If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
