Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
