apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
