Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
