I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
