I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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