If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
