He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I need to calm my uterus...
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
