I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
