Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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