so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
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