im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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