I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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