Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
